


Statistically Speaking

by HPsmartone32



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, M/M, Modern AU, and Lily Luna is sneaky af, don't worry this is strictly PG13, in which James is an outlier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-15 23:46:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14152005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPsmartone32/pseuds/HPsmartone32
Summary: James, always a sucker for a one blue-haired neuroscientist, agrees to round out a trial group for Teddy’s latest study. He does refuse to stop calling it a ‘porn research project,’ though. And it's totally not because of the adorably annoyed face Teddy makes when he does.





	Statistically Speaking

**Author's Note:**

> So this is what happens when I'm studying for my med school midterms and we're learning about the neurotransmitters that modulate sexual attraction. 
> 
> Apparently this is just who I am as a person now (Jeddy trash).

**

 

 

James’ foot bounced, shaking the entire row of seats.

 

_Occupation:_

 

James filled in _Secondary School Teacher_ with a sigh. He didn’t know why he had to fill out this damn thing in the first place. It was embarrassing enough that he’d let Teddy talk him into being a part of his stupid porn research project on a Friday evening, the least Teddy could do is fill out the paperwork for him.

 

 

 _“It’s not a_ porn research project _, James,” Teddy passed a hand over his face, as if James was the one testing_ his _patience._

_“Do you or do you not want me to come in to your lab and look at dirty pictures?” James said, eyebrows meeting his hairline._

 

_“I’m measuring pupil dilation in response to various stimuli to better characterize neurotransmitters and their receptors in effector organs –”_

_“And you need me to look at porn to do that, yeah?” James said, just to mess with him at this point. He spun to the side in order to lay his legs across Teddy’s lap._

_“No! Well,_ yes _, but it’s just because that’s the preliminary data group I need to round out! Not because I want you, specifically, to look at porn in my lab.”_

_“So you admit it: it_ is _a porn research project.”_

_“I’m going to leave.”_

 

 

James had given in pretty quickly after that. Not because he thought that Teddy, who had been sprawled comfortably on James’ couch and making no effort to move at all, was actually going to leave, but more because he’d probably jump off Big Ben if Teddy asked nicely and batted his eyelashes at him.

 

James flipped over the form and, blushing to the tips of his ears, filled in answers to very personal questions about his preferences ( _solely men, thanks_ ) and habits ( _usually my imagination_ ). When he finished filling it all in, he walked it up to the young woman at the reception desk hating his life a non-zero amount. He handed it over quickly, as if it were about to explode.

 

“Thanks,” she grinned at him and put his form in a pile on the other side of her wrap-around desk.

 

James nodded at her, his fingers tapping nervously on the tall counter as he looked down the hall.

 

Could Teddy get this shit started already? James wanted to get it over with so that they could watch the damn Manchester United game with a six pack or two (or three, if this turned out to be as embarrassing as James thought it might be).

 

“You know Dr. Lupin?” the woman asked.

 

James turned to look back at her, a grin stretching across his face. _Dr. Lupin_. So official.

 

“Yeah,” James said. “That’s the only reason I’m here, to be honest.”

 

“Me too,” the woman grinned. “But I didn’t have to look at porn to get this job.”

 

James laughed, “How d’you know him?”

 

“He was at school with my brother. I was between jobs and Dr. Lupin told me he had some easy work. What about you?”

 

“We grew up together,” James answered. _And_ _I’m hopelessly in love with him._ James’ mind helpfully added.

 

 “The stories you must have,” she grinned, sly and calculating. James appreciated the mischief dancing in her eyes. “You know,” she said thoughtfully, “this far into a conversation with me, most men here for the porn study have made some lewd comment about not needing to see anything else. Cheers for not being a creep.”

 

“He wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole, Delilah.” They both turned to see Teddy – blue hair, tight jeans, white lab coat, heart-stopping grin – walking down the small hallway towards them.

 

James tore his gaze from Teddy almost laughed at the look on Delilah’s face. He quickly explained, “That’s Teddy’s classy way of informing you that I’m – as my secondary school kids say – _hella gay_.”

 

Delilah laughed, a pretty tinkling noise, and James noticed for the first time that she was, in fact, objectively very attractive.

 

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make me out as an arsehole, Ted,” James told him, as Teddy grabbed James’ form off the desk. James tried not to blush as Teddy flipped through it.

 

_Cool. Just the man I have a thing for sifting through some very personal information about my porn habits, no big deal._

 

Why the fuck did he agree to this again?

 

“Especially if he’s doing you a favor by being here for your porn study,” Delilah supplied.

 

Teddy groaned, bringing the top of the clipboard to his forehead with a light _thunk_ , “God, he’s got you saying it too.”

 

“I didn’t say a thing to her, mate,” James put his hands up in a show of innocence. “She was like that when I got here.”

 

Delilah laughed again, and Teddy brought the clipboard away from his face so James could see him roll his eyes, “You can head out, Delilah. James is the last one for today.”

 

“Sweet,” she clicked around on her desktop monitor a few times then hopped out of her chair. “See you Monday, Boss.” She grabbed her bag and headed toward the door.

 

“C’mon James,” Teddy nodded down the hall and James followed him into small, darkened room with what looked like an optometrist’s chair in it. James was pretty sure it had all of the usual attached contraptions.

 

“Wait, this isn’t an elaborate trick to get me to get my eyes tested again is it? Mum’s been telling me to go for ages.” James pushed his glasses up his nose subconsciously.

 

Teddy grinned over his shoulder at him, which casually stopped James’ heart for a few milliseconds, “Pretty sure the images you’ll see here can’t be found in any optometrist’s office.” He paused, “Well, any of the reputable ones at least.”

 

James groaned as Teddy gestured towards the chair, “Remind me why I agreed to this again?” He fell into the chair and slid back in it. Teddy sat on a stool nearby.

 

“Because you’re a sucker for my puppy-dog eyes,” Teddy teased, smirking at him in his Trademark Teddy Way.

 

_But damn it if that didn’t hit the nail right on the head._

 

“Yeah, yeah,” James grumbled, glad that this room was darker so his blush wasn’t obvious. The pale-skin-and-freckles look he’s inherited from his mum really wasn’t helping him hide this stupid crush.

 

“Let’s get this show on the road – the ManU game starts in an hour,” James said, shaking his head slightly to clear it.

 

Teddy slid his stool over towards James’ chair, the wheels squeaking as they crossed the floor. He reached up and pulled something down from James’ right that James was _sure_ came from an optometrist’s office.

 

“Take off your glasses, I’ll adjust this to your prescription. The pupil measuring software won’t work with your glasses on.”

 

James handed over his glasses, and rattled off his prescription for Teddy, who programed the lenses then lowered it onto James’ face.

 

“Are you going to ask me which one is better 1 or 2, 3 or 4?” James asked, as the cold metal was pressed against his face.

 

“Wait ‘til I get the pictures loaded and I can do if you’d like,” Teddy said with a wink that made James blush all the way to his toes.

 

“I hate you, Lupin. Just so you know.”

 

“Noted.” Teddy said cheekily, sliding his stool closer again, so that his knees were right up against James’. “I need to take the baseline pupil measurements myself, so the computer knows where to start. Hold still.”

 

“Mkay,” James said, not really fussed about it. Then Teddy scooted even closer, his knee slotting between James’ and his face coming to the other side of the small machine that was pressed against James’ face.

 

“Usually,” Teddy started, now so close that James felt Teddy’s breath on his own lips. Teddy’s eyes appeared on the other side of the medal, golden-brown and staring into James’. James heard a faint beeping noise from the machine. “My research assistant does these measurements, but I let her go home early today since it was just you this evening.”

 

James was pretty sure he made some sort of noise that passed for affirmation, but he had absolutely no idea what Teddy was saying.  His entire existence had narrowed to Teddy’s breath ghosting across James’ lips, his face inches from James’ face, his left knee between James’ knees while his right pressed against the outside of James’ left.

 

Teddy was his best mate. Had been for ages. There had been _arms-over-shoulders_ and _lean-on-me-when-you’re-drunk_ before. There had been _passed-out-in-your-bed-together-because-my-flat-is-too-far_. James would even say that there had been teasing that, from an outsider’s perspective, might have crossed into flirting.

 

But never had Teddy’s face been so close James’ face that James could taste him.

 

Never had James needed to kiss Teddy like he needed oxygen. Never had he been quite this paralyzed and dizzy from the long-lashed eyes staring into his.

 

“Almost done, keep looking right at me,” Teddy said, his voice just above a whisper, his words falling softly on James’ lips. James almost laughed at the implication that he might have looked away.

 

Teddy blinked, exhaled again. James focused on remembering to breathe, on breathing in an out in a steady fashion, on not putting a hand on Teddy’s knee and leaning forward just a bit and –

 

“There,” Teddy said, and jerkily moved back, away from James. His stool flew backward, and Teddy had to catch himself on the desk against the wall. He looked up at James with a sheepish, lopsided grin that made James’ chest ache. “Done.”

 

James nodded, not trusting his voice, and ended up banging his forehead on the metal contraption. “Ow.”

 

Teddy laughed, “Idiot.”

 

James showed him two fingers.

 

Teddy, still chuckling, stood and pulled down a second part to the metal lens thing that James was looking through. It was a small screen.

 

 _Christ_.

 

“I’m going to go into the other room and set the slideshow per your form. The slideshow should take about fifteen minutes, and the machine will be monitoring your pupil dilation throughout, so stay still,” Teddy explained.

 

“Yeah, yeah, go put on my porn,” James said, happy that his voice sounded normal, even if he was still recovering from Close Encounters with Teddy Lupin.

 

“I hate you back, Potter. Just so _you_ know.”

 

“Noted,” James grinned, and he heard the door open, then shut.

 

A minute or so later, the first racy picture popped up on the screen and James nearly rolled his eyes at it.

 

 

*

 

 

“You’re doing it again,” Lily sidled up beside James that Sunday after the roast was gone and the dishes were clean. She had a glass of wine in her left hand and a smug look on her face.

 

James turned to look at his sister, “What? Doing what?”

 

“Staring at Teddy like the sun shines out of his arse,” Lily laughed, taking a drink.

 

“Fuck off, Lils,” James grumbled. He took a swig of his beer.

 

“Yeah, okay,” Lily rolled her eyes. “You _didn’t_ spend dinner with your eyes dipping to Teddy’s lips every time he bit his lower one and you _don’t_ want to shag him into next week.”

 

James choked on his beer and Lily laughed, hitting him on the back, “Don’t worry, Jamie, secret’s safe with me.”

 

“Nothing’s safe with you, you witch.”

 

Lily considered this, “Maybe, but I won’t rat you out.” They both turned back to where Teddy was using his hands to describe something to Harry, Ginny, and Al. “I want to see where this goes.”

 

“It isn’t going anywhere,” James hissed, his face hot and probably beet-red. “It’s a stupid teenage crush I’ve somehow acquired at twenty-six. It’ll pass.”

 

“Fifty pounds says he fancies you back,” Lily said, giving James a look she inherited _en bloc_ from their mother.

 

James snorted, “One, he doesn’t. Two, not sure how you’re supposed to capitalize on that considering I’ll take this to the grave with me – be that your grave _or_ mine.”

 

Lily shrugs, “That’s my problem. Deal or no deal, big brother?”

 

“It’s moot point,” James insisted.

 

“Then take the bet.”

 

“Sure,” he shrugged and finished his beer. He walked a few steps into the kitchen to toss it into the recycling as Teddy finished his story and looked over at him, his face splitting into a grin. Teddy grabbed something off the counter and made his way over to them.

 

“I’ll kill you,” James stepped back and quickly hissed at his sister, who snorted. “I’d like to see you _try_.”

 

“What are you two whispering about over here?” Teddy raised an eyebrow at them, handing James a new beer. James took it gratefully and twisted off the top.

 

“How you conned James into looking at porn in a professional setting,” Lily answered easily and unabashedly.

 

Teddy threw his head back and laughed. James’ eyes traced the long line of his neck.

 

“I should have the statistical analysis ready by Monday or Tuesday,” Teddy said. “We’ll see if you managed to mess up my whole trial or not, James.”

 

“I’ll be disappointed if I didn’t. I tried to only be turned on by the weird pictures of mushrooms you had on there.”

 

“Those were control images!” Teddy defended as Lily laughed around the word ‘mushroom.’

 

“Next time don’t pick such sexy control images,” James winked at Teddy, who shook his head and took a swig of beer.

 

 

*

 

**_[10:04 am] Delilah asked me exactly how gay ‘hella gay’ is today, so that’s how my Monday is going_ **

 

James opened the text on a break between classes and laughed.

 

_ [10:52 am] That’s nothing. I caught one of my students fingering another under the table. Why did you ever let me teach secondary? Primary school kids don’t do nasty shit like that. _

**_[10:54 am] I know for a fact that you gave and received BJs behind that school in your time, J_ **

****

_ [10:55 am] Yeah, behind the school, not in it. I had *class.* _

**_[10:55 am] I think your students did too, and that’s why they were multitasking_ **

****

_ [10:57 am] I’m blocking your number.  _

_ [4:58 pm] I have a stupid number of essays to grade tonight. Come over and keep me sane? I’ll order takeout from that nasty Mediterranean place you like. _

__

__

_ [10:09 pm] This kid wrote a sentence that goes on for seven lines without a single punctuation mark. Reminds me of you, so I’m assuming he’ll be a science major. _

****

 

James checked his phone again as he got off the train after work Tuesday – still nothing. It wasn’t like Teddy to not answer his messages. It made him anxious in a way he couldn’t really explain.

 

He tried to push it out of his head. Surely Teddy was just busy. Maybe he got overwhelmed with work. The preliminary analysis for Teddy’s trial were probably done now, and he needed to draw up a plan for the actual thing.

 

James had mostly calmed himself down as he rounded the last corner of the hallway to his flat, fishing the keys from his bag. He’d have a couple beers (he’d need them to get through the rest of his student’s essays) and relax and _not_ think about –

 

“Teddy?” James said, nearly dropping his keys on the floor. Teddy was sitting against the door to his flat, a bag of takeaway on the floor next to him.

 

He grinned up at James. James tried to figure out if Teddy’s cheeks looked a bit red or if it was just the shitty hallway lighting.

 

“Sorry, I –” Teddy started, taking James’ proffered hand and letting the younger man pull him up. He cleared his throat. “Well, I brought Thai from that place you like even though the Pad Thai is way too sweet.”

 

“Sweet is always better,” James’ eyes swept over Teddy’s face. Something was off in his expression, but James couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

 

It wasn’t unusual for Teddy to drop by unexpected, or for James to do the same to him, but something felt different this time for reasons James didn’t understand. He, again, tried to push the thoughts from his head. He sifted through the key ring until he located the key to the front door.

 

“Logically, you should be about 20 stone with a sweet tooth like yours,” Teddy said as James unlocked the door.

 

“I coach football for secondary kids,” James snorted. “Do you know how much running around I have to do to keep up with them? Keeps me nice and fit.” He pushed open the door and walked into his flat, kicking off his shoes.

 

“Can’t argue with that,” Teddy followed behind him, muttering the phrase so quietly that James was mostly convinced that he’d imagined it. James dropped his bag over the couch and padded over to the fridge to grab the beer.

 

“Arsenal’s playing tonight. Want to cheer for whoever they’re playing against and I’ll help you grade the rest of your essays?” Teddy said, shuffling past James and bringing out plates and utensils.

 

James straightened up, two beers in his hand, and watched Teddy reach for the plates. His shirt rode up his back, and even though James _knew_ about the back dimples they never failed to send a thrill of desire through him. He wanted to kiss those dimples. He wanted to kiss his way around them, around Teddy’s body, around –

 

James cringed. A shock of guilt always followed that thrill.

 

“Uh, yeah, sounds good,” James managed, walking over and setting the drinks on the counter. He began unpacking the takeaway boxes. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Teddy glance over with a sort of secret smile that James hadn’t seen before.

 

James looked up and caught his eye. He found himself smiling back, “What?” he asked, a laugh coating the word.

 

“Nothing,” Teddy shook his head a bit, still fucking grinning at him in a new way that made James’ chest shrink until it was too small for his lungs and _goddamnit why did he have to go and get a crush on his mate at twenty-fucking-six._

 

He was too old for this shit.

 

 

 

 

“I really shouldn’t be letting a bloody scientist grade English papers, should I?” James sighed, snatching the most recent one Teddy was working on from his lap and looking it over. He was leaning against Teddy’s side, his legs up on the couch bent at the knee, the essays on his lap.

 

“Oi!” Teddy protested, flicking James’ ear lightly. “I’ll have you know I’m a fantastic English-writer-person.”

 

James swatted his hand away and looked up at him, his eyebrows raised, “English-writer-person?”

 

“Okay, well, maybe not when I’m a bit tipsy.”

 

“Yeah, _that’s_ the problem. I had to edit your thesis proposal four separate times to get the punctuation and transitions right. Are you telling me you were tipsy when you wrote that, too?”

 

Teddy flicked his ear again, laughing and taking another swig of his beer as Arsenal did their best to score. The audience cheered as a shot was taken on goal, but James and Teddy chuckled happily when it soared over the top of it.

 

James sat up, taking the essays off of his lap and setting them on the coffee table in front of him. He leaned back, not on Teddy this time, but against the couch so that their shoulders were _just_ pressed together.  

 

They were quiet for a minute, focused on the game.

 

“So, I finished the statistical analysis on your trial group,” Teddy said, picking at the label on his beer. James glanced over at him. That look was on Teddy’s face again, the one James had seen in the hallway and couldn’t name.

 

“Yeah? I didn’t ruin everything, did I?” James teased, letting his head fall against the back of the couch.

 

Teddy’s mouth twitched into a small smile, and he set his beer on the coffee table before turning to look at James again, tilting his head a bit to match the angle of James’ head. “You did, actually. Your data was the only outlier.”

 

“What?” James straightened up. Teddy scrapped his bottom lip with his teeth and James used all his self-control to not be distracted by that. “Why was I an outlier?”

 

“Well, you know how the study works, yeah? We take the baseline readings and then we monitor pupil change in response to various stimuli, some of which is theorized to induce dilation.”

 

“Yeah, the porn,” James said, grinning cheekily. “You know I was kidding about the mushroom thing right? At least, I hope I was.”

 

Teddy rolled his eyes, “That isn’t the problem,” he said, turning to face James a bit more. Their shoulders were still pressed against each other, but now, Teddy was nearly turned all the way towards him.

 

“The problem is your data was backwards. Your baseline pupil dilation diameter was larger than anything recorded during the actual trial slideshow.”

 

James furrowed his brows, “My pupils were bigger before the trial started and not during your porn-y slideshow?”

 

Teddy nodded, “Yep. You were the only one. My research assistant threw out your data; she assumed I made a mistake taking your baseline readings since I don’t normally do that part.”

 

“Do _you_ think you made a mistake?”

 

“It’s possible,” Teddy allowed. He shifted a little closer to James, who swallowed hard. Teddy was really very close now. “I have another hypothesis, though.” Teddy’s eyes dropped to James’ lips for a brief second.

 

James’ eyes widened, his breath hitched, “And what’s that?”

 

Teddy leaned closer, looking right into James’ eyes. There was no metal contraption between them this time. James could just made out the very light dusting of freckles that dotted Teddy’s nose. He stayed very still, his tongue darting out to wet his bottom lip as he tried _not_ to remember the way it felt to have Teddy’s breath ghost across his lips; how Teddy’s breath tasted a few days ago when he’d been this close.

 

“Your pupils are pretty dilated right now, J,” Teddy said, his voice low and husky. James completely forgot how to breathe.

 

“Is that right?”

 

“Yeah,” Teddy answered, his eyes dropping again from James’ eyes to his lips and back again. He looked a bit unsure, which was such a new look on Teddy that it gave James the confidence he needed.

 

“I think you better test your hypothesis then,” James said breathily.

 

He heard Teddy’s sharp inhale, and grinned at him, his stomach swooping as if he missed a stair. “I mean, statistically speaking,” James whispered, leaning closer to Teddy now, “I might be into you.”

 

Teddy grinned then, somehow half shy and half arrogant, and brought a hand up to James’ face. James closed his eyes, a shiver passing through him as Teddy’s thumb ran over his cheekbone. He opened them again as Teddy leaned in even closer, “Can’t argue with that,” he whispered.

 

And then he closed the last few inches between them.

 

James sighed into Teddy’s mouth when his warm lips met his, something he might have been embarrassed about if he hadn’t been so focused on tangling his hands into Teddy’s hair and pushing their bodies closer and closer until there wasn’t any space left between them.

 

 

 

 

“How’d you know?” James asked, much later, his body stretched out in his bed, draped over Teddy’s.

 

“How did I know what?”

 

“That your hypothesis was correct,” James joked, looking up at Teddy.

 

Teddy’s fingers paused briefly in their act of tracing circles onto James’ back before he answered, “I’m a scientist, it’s my job to look at all the data, analyze it, and come up with –”

 

James lifted his head off Teddy’s chest completely and gave him a Look.

 

Teddy grinned. He leaned up to press a quick kiss to James’ lips that made his entire body tingle.

 

“Yeah, alright,” Teddy sighed. “Your statistician sister stopped by for lunch yesterday. She took one look at the numbers, asked me some very pointed questions, and then bet me fifty pounds you fancied me back.”

 

James gaped at him. “I don’t know if I should kill her or thank her,” he said mildly.

 

Teddy furrowed his brows at him. With a laugh and another kiss (because he _could_ ), James explained, “Lily just made 100 pounds off of us.”

 

“When did she –”

 

“Sunday at supper.”

 

Teddy shook his head, grinning. He passed a long, slow look down James’ very naked body. It filled James with anticipation, heavy and warm.

 

Teddy quickly rolled them over. “You know,” Teddy said as he pressed a kiss to James’ jaw, his neck, his lips, “I’m not all that fussed about it.”

 

And as Teddy trailed kisses lower and lower, James had never been happier to lose a bet.

 

 

*

 

 

Wednesday evening, Lily unlocked the door to her flat and pushed the door open, just like she did every evening. However, unlike every other evening, a loud scraping noise and some sort of weird jingling sound accompanied the act.

 

She paused.

 

Pushed the door open a little farther. More scraping.

 

Furrowing her brow, she stuck her head in the half-opened door and looked behind it.

 

On the floor, in front of her mail slot, there were one hundred one-pound coins.

 

She grinned down at them as she pushed her door open wide enough to step inside the flat.

 

_Well played._


End file.
